I didn't wake up one morning and think, "today, I shall terrorize at least three girls before lunch". The transformation occurred slowly and without formal consent, like a demon taking over my brain. Becoming a mean girl is an interesting process. It starts out with the same general feelings that we all share. Will you be my friend? Will you listen to my ridiculousness and laugh appropriately at my lame jokes? Will you provide me with a sense of belonging in this crazy world? With luck and practice, you find a few kindred spirits and develop a group. You are best friends forever. After some time and conversation, your group even has a special language, a code by which anything can be discussed.
Most people stop there, happy to have friends and be a part of a group. I am brown. I was a social over achiever. I start to notice that my neighbor in chemistry had four best friends, when I had merely three. Unacceptable. I began to recruit. The original crew still had all the privileges of Club Mona, however the newbies were given limited access to some of the better jokes and party invites. Here's where the trouble starts. In order to have a club that people want to go to, there has to be a feeling of exclusivity; a feeling that you are special for being a member. Which means somebody has to be left out.
I'm sure you can fill in the rest of the story.
The sad truth is that this phenomenon does not stop with adolescence. I see it everyday at work, with my social circle, and even my parents friends. Maybe the conversation topics are different and a little less dramatic, but the attitudes, vulnerabilities, and behaviors remain the same since we were teenagers. High school never ends.
You'll be happy to hear that I am a reformed bad girl. Having experienced the karmic repercussions of making people feel bad about themselves, I've learned to avoid those I find annoying, lest I be tempted to return to my evil ways. It is an addiction I battle to this day, trying to hide my faults by belittling others.
To the predators, I know how seductive it can be to feel power over someone. To feel better about your own issues by highlighting the problems of others. To feel like you are special because you are "in the know" while others are not. It is a slippery slope, however, and at the bottom there is nothing but loneliness and negativity. Trust me.
The trick to avoiding the temptation is to embrace your own insecurities. Why did I make people feel bad about themselves? To mask my dislike of my own flaws, of which there are many. I don't have to like everyone or get along with everyone, but I have the choice to avoid the instant gratification of bringing someone down in order to feel better about myself. I still succumb to the comfort food of being snarky (obviously, if you've read my other articles) but I can safely say that I am no longer binging on the insults.
To the prey, the only defense that has worked for me is to accept that there are those who will actively tear you down in order to bring themselves up. Do your best to surround yourself with good people who enjoy your successes and happiness rather than those who look for the negative or envy your joy. If you have a solid support system, the predators will become irrelevant.
Do not be attracted to the image the predators portray because it is a false illusion. They are not as invulnerable and confident as they seem. When in doubt, be self deprecating; similar to the protagonist in "8 Mile" if you can steal the thunder of those who would be hateful by acknowledging your issues first, you can avoid being a target. It's not worth it to attack someone who is comfortable with their own impediments.
Maybe one day all of us will be able to sit around the campfire and sing kumbaya together. Then again, maybe not. Some of you smell bad.
