| Background: Like many Indian parents of my generation, I was dedicated to the preservation of INDIAN culture, traditions, and values. (And I still am!) As my children were growing up, I learned more about my culture through the process of imparting it to my children. I became the president of the Gujarati Samaj of Central Texas to preserve and promote the culture for the sake of our youth.
The first indication that something was amiss came when the first generation of our children went to college. Even though we had no comprehension of the actual problem, slowly and surely, many horror stories emerged from the grapevine.
During the school years, our children proved to be the most gifted and talented. Of course, we had good reason to believe that our Desi culture had a lot to do with their success. After graduating with high academic honors and many other accolades from high school, our youth were not doing as well as expected in college, and some of them shocked us with a total loss of focus and disregard for all the cultural values we had worked so hard to preserve.
Could our children be dating like Americans? Was it possible that they might become sexually active, or alcohol or drug dependent? Could they lose focus of their educational goals, in spite of their sharp minds? Our Desi culture was supposed to be an antidote against all these diversions. We wondered, yet we were afraid to find out what was really going on. Fortunately, my interaction with a wide variety of youth gave me an honest glimpse of the life of our college kids. My bone marrow project allowed me to travel all over the country, meeting youngsters from all walks of life, from all over the country, from different religions and originating from every part of the Asian subcontinent -- India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh.
It is amazing to see how similar the problems are between a Moslem family from Pakistan and a Hindu family from Kerala. It seems that our traditions, religions, and culture are being challenged by this Western way of life. Nevertheless, the reason for our loss has less to do with Western values than with the way we are approaching this struggle. It was soon obvious that when our children's love and dependence on us conflicted with our unrealistic expectations, most of them felt they had no choice but to live a double life. Desi children became the greatest actors in the world. They could easily convince us of their strong belief in our culture and values, yet, at the same time, live in a non-Desi way (for the lack of better world we call them Americanized: Where everything goes).
This double life has left many of them very isolated, lonely, and confused! It has caused them to despise the very culture that many of us are so interested in imparting to them. Many of them have found it impossible to find a reasonable way to express their feelings and views on life. They have found no room for their individuality, and they had to move away from Desi culture out of frustration. "My parents will never understand or change!" is the widespread sentiment. Parents, on the other hand, are in a state of denial. "My child is not like that,” they proudly proclaim. Then, when reality finally hits home, their reaction is very irrational and sometimes explosive. This Desi melodrama is quite predictable and prevalent.
The conflict with our kids is probably is the single most challenging thing we have had to face since we came to this land. We have never failed like this before, whether the problem was education, jobs, immigration, or any other pursuit. In spite of all of the solid spiritual background we possess and the love we have for our children, we have failed to address the issue in a calm and rational manner. The Confused Desi! Who is really confused, the children or the parents? This is the question we have to ponder. Hopefully that will lead to open dialogue and more acceptance of the fact that, at the end of the day, our children will have to learn to make the smart choices and all of us will have to learn to live with the choices they make.
Our role as an Indian parent of an Americanized child is limited to being supportive and understanding rather than controlling. Whenever there is a clear conflict, the issue of paramount importance is to create the least amount of damage in order to keep our claim on our grandchild, even though it may seem that we have lost our child!
Desi culture is not some static way of life that has survived thousands of years because of rules laid down by our ancestors. It needs to be an ephemeral way of life, constantly being rediscovered. Our goal is to not just to survive, but, rather, to thrive in the society of the future. Our way of life is not only used to surviving in our homeland but in any location in this global village.
Being an ultimate optimist, I think this can be accomplished. I know, as rigid as we may seem to our children, that we can surprise them by being flexible and understanding. The time has come to lay claim to our children and grandchildren!
I also plan to propose some radical changes in our way of thinking and some practical lessons that we can all take from this discussion. I must admit at the outset, though, that so much of this information has come from various people who have shared their life with me.
Purpose
The issues I am about to discuss touch our core values. In this diverse group of individuals we’re a part of, it is natural that some may find few or all of the concepts unsuitable. Some of you might find this inspiring, and others might find it thought-provoking. At the same time, a few of you may find it offensive, and others may find it to be pure garbage. What this is really meant to do is open a dialogue that is long overdue. I do not claim to know the answers, but I can present to you what I have learned, and you are welcome to draw your own conclusions. I hope this presentation opens a nationwide dialogue, not so much to argue about whether Desi parents or children are at fault, but rather to make the parents and children realize that the time has come when we as a community can make a lot of progress by giving an open-minded look at the current situation.
Asian Born Compulsive Desi (the real ABCD!)
In late 60s and early 70s, in a land far, far away, there were Asian Born Compulsive Desis (ABCD!) who loved their culture and the country. This was the first generation of young people who were citizens of an independent nation; there was no struggling for freedom from the British. So their passion was diverted to self-fulfillment rather than to national struggle. Also, as much as they loved their motherland, the opportunity for jobs and promotion was very limited. British rulers left the area, but they left slavery behind. "Foreign-made" and "foreign-trained" meant "better quality." No wonder success was equated with going to foreign soil. They were brought up with the mantra that getting the right degree from the right place was the most important thing in life. You cannot feed your family by playing sports or singing or dancing, they were told. Success was measured by class rank. So these highly motivated ABCD's walked miles to go to school. As they were growing up, they were content with only a few pairs of pants and one pair of shoes. They had no radio, TV, VCR, Nintendo, or Internet to distract them. But they were happy and content. Academic success, financial stability, family unity, cultural preservation, religious and spiritual foundation, etc., were the qualities that were admired. And thousands of years of culture and tradition could provide everything, but it was short on professional opportunities and material success. The poor motherland simply did not have resources to meet the expectation of this young generation. The Land of opportunity opens the gate
Fortunately for these Desis, the land of opportunity - the United States of America - opened its door to the brown people with a series of immigration bills that allowed Asians to come to this country and later on to reunify the family. The Desi concept of family led these immigrants to invite everyone possible. While this may seem like a generous gesture on the part of the United States, it was partly dictated by an acute shortage of highly educated personnel in technical and medical fields. It served the dual purpose of quickly and efficiently meeting the demands of industry and health care. And the strongest democracy could not justify this racial immigration policy too long. In addition to that, the repressive regime of Idi Amin also made it inevitable for the Desi people there to find another safe haven, and United States became the choice destination. So they came by the planeload. Young, educated, energetic Desis came to this far away land determined to succeed. With eight dollars in their pocket and limited funds to spend, these mostly middle-class Desis were ready to do whatever it took to thrive. They dreamed of saving enough money in a few years and finishing their education or training and than going back home. As the time passed the vast majority never attempted this dream, as it became apparent that trying to settle back home might be more of a nightmare than a dream. While most of us tell our children that the main reason for our staying here was the welfare and education of our children, I seriously doubt if many would actually be fit to go back and settle there. Honestly, we came in search of material gain, and we found it in amounts that most of us had never dreamed of. Struggle for survival In the beginning, the life of a new Desi was not easy. With very limited Desi food, music, dances, movies, culture, and religion, just having a group of Desi to be with was a luxury. But the priority was educational or professional success. They had to fight the glass ceiling of discrimination, visa problems, language problems, culture problems, and so on. But Desi determination and hard work paid off. They broke the glass ceiling; they either ignored the discrimination or fought it, and, one way or another, they got the visa. If finding a job was a problem, we soon learned that this was the land of entrepreneurship. The Desi culture of hard work, good money management, and determination to succeed laid the foundation of unparalleled success. If one Desi came to a hospital, soon a large number of the residents were Desi. If one Desi bought a motel or gas station, soon Desis took over the business. Desis helping Desis ignited quick success. As America got used to thick accents, the Desis were increasing in the numbers. They introduced polyester pants to the beach and Sarees at work. They would even take homemade food to Disney World. After all, why pay more and eat bland food, they thought. Their success was noticed from Wall Street to Main Street. The Wall Street Journal touted them to be the model minority, with the highest education rate, highest income of immigrant group, and lowest crime rate. The Desi success was used as proof that America truly is a land of opportunity. If these immigrants could succeed, it proved that anyone could realize the American Dream. There was the implication that if some other groups didn't succeed, they might have something to learn from Asians. Of course, Desis could not agree more. It must be Desi culture. Disclaimer: What you are about to read is not supported by any controlled scientific experiment. I have not published any best selling book (yet). IndiaNest.com or their owners or I are not liable for any consequences of this presentation. The language may be politically incorrect. Some of you may find the content offensive. "Indian culture," "Pakistani culture," "Bangladeshi culture," "Hindu culture," etc., may just be called "Desi culture." Somehow, we all feel that our own culture is a notch better than the others. The reader's discretion is advised ... for mature readers only. The stories you will read are all true, but the names and locations have been changed to protect the privacy of these individuals. But any resemblance to your situation might be more than coincidence! You are encouraged to add your views to this site. The main goal of this presentation is to discuss this vital issue, a national town hall meeting! Dedication: I am highly indebted to more than 150 young students who have given me honest and open account of their life. Special thanks to IndiaNest.com for supporting all my community projects including Bone Marrow Drives and Desi Marriage Convention. My profound gratitude to countless people, who have shared their views with me to enable the understanding of this complex issue. Many organizations that have sponsored my seminar on this subject. Specially many parents who have agreed with me that as difficulty this may sound we are capable of changing. Want to get in touch with Vijay Uncle? Here's how: 254 774 8247 Home 254 721 7245 Cell www.vijayuncle.com My audio blog: http://vijayuncle.mypodcast.com/ |
